Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Interview with God

It was a few weeks after I published my earth shattering post Conspiracy Un-earthed. I was on top of the world; critics were giving me the "thumbs up". Though some of them used the wrong finger; poor, digit-ally challenged people.
Anyways, I was sitting at home watching TV when there was a knock at my door. Answering the door, my jaw dropped as I came face to face with two incredibly gorgeous women. "May we come in?" they said, rendering me speechless with dazzling smiles. "This is my greatest hallucination ever!" I thought, as I let them in. But then suddenly everything went black or actually... white. I was squinting my eyes, trying to make out where all the light was coming from when a voice rang out, "I am GOD. I would like to talk to you. Choose a form that you would like me to take." I replied, "How about Brooke Burke in a String Bikini?". I'm not exactly sure what happened next, but I think I was struck by lightning and I passed out from the pain. When I came to, I found Brooke Burke standing next to me dressed in a beautiful white dress. I asked,"Wow, so you are GOD?". "Yes, I am", came the reply. I said,"I didn't know that you were a woman". GOD replied," I am NOT a woman. I am a formless, timeless and boundless entity. This form is merely a conduit". I asked,"So what am I doing here?". GOD replied,"Its about the things that you write and talk about me." I replied, "Oh, well... okay. But can we sit down first?". Instantly two chairs materialized and GOD and I sat down. Thus began my interview with GOD.

GOD:"I read your BLOG. It would have been nice if your attempt at humour had actually succeeded."
ME:"Well, thanks anyway. I'm happy that you could take the time to read it. So did I hit the bulls-eye or what?"
GOD:"No, I think the fact that you were deprived of sleep affected your mind."
ME:"Really? So you don't lobotomize people in Heaven?"
GOD:"No, we don't. Once you reach heaven, you attain a state of bliss. Due to this, you transcend human feelings."
ME:"Really? What about all the rules in Heaven?"
GOD:"When you reach Heaven, you attain perfection, in being and in knowledge. Doing the right thing, under any circumstance, becomes your very nature."
ME:"Really? So Heaven is an eternal state of perfect bliss? Right."
GOD:"Yes it is. And let me tell you about Hell. Hell is where you are forced to face all the things that you avoided, ignored or ran away from in life. That is what Hell really is."
ME:"Really? So no decadence or indulgence in Hell? What the hell happened to the Devil?"
GOD:"The Devil only exists in the people who believe in him."
ME:"What? That doesn't even make sense."
GOD:"Enough about Heaven and Hell. Lets talk about you. Why do you always ridicule me? What wrong have I done to you?"
ME:"Well, lets see... you killed my dog Tiger; I loved him so much and he was just a puppy."
GOD:"I understand your anger and I feel your grief. I'm sorry about Tiger, but his time had come."
ME:"What about my Father? He was also too young to die."
GOD:"No, I did not kill your father either. In fact, I AM your father."
ME:"NOOOOOOO! Hey, wait a minute. How are you my father?"
GOD:"I created everything, therefore I am the father of all things, including you."
ME:(mumbling)"Smart ass."
GOD:(Raises her eyebrow)
ME:"So what should I do? Its obvious that you are just side stepping every issue."
GOD:"Look at yourself first and see what you really are. Find a solution to that deep loneliness you feel inside."
ME:"I'm not lonely. I have lots of family and friends."
GOD:"You can't lie to me; I have access to everything, including your deepest, darkest desires."
ME:"What?! Oh! I feel so violated! Wait, you know everything?? Huh. Um.. that thing with my neighbour and... um her sister... its just a harmless fantasy you know."
GOD:"Of course. Its not a sin until you actually do it."
GOD:"No, not really. You will be forced to deal with the consequences of all your impure thoughts as well as actions."
ME:"Oh, crap! Hmm. So how do I get into Heaven? Is there like an interview or test or something?"
GOD:"No, its really simple. All you have to do is realize me."
ME:"You mean that I have to have faith?"
GOD:"No. It is the same whether you believe or dis-believe in me."
ME:"Then what?"
GOD:"You have to experience me and know I exist."
ME:(Shaking my head)"And how do I do that?"
GOD:"I have already given you everything you need. You will know when you are ready. Until then just be"
ME:"Okay sure, I can do that."
GOD:"What? Are you confused?"
ME:"Yes, thoroughly."
GOD:"Good! Well then, if you have no more questions, my work here is done."
ME:"Wait, can I publish this interview?"
GOD:"Sure, everyone will just think you went crazy."
ME:"Actually, they already think that."
GOD:"Thats good. Now, get off my lap, you are drooling all over my robes."




The Phoenix said...

Ha! Oh man, that's a good one. Brooke Bruke as God is WAY better than Alanis.

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Justin said...

That was a great interview. I think that's pretty close to how Howard Stern would handle a guest like that. I always knew that God would probably be pretty cool and have a sense of humor.