Breaking News...
It all started two weeks ago. Our dear President was reading a post entitled "The Pretzel of American Politics", on a BLOG maintained by a group of Liberal politicians. Details are scarce, but apparently the President's brain choked on the concepts of "Balanced and Intelligent Spending", "Separation of Church and State" and some other Liberal view points. Fortunately for our great nation, the Secret Service promptly tackled the computer and took the BLOG down. They began interrogating the BLOG, seeking to uncover a possible assassination attempt. However, a week passed by and they were still unable to obtain a satisfactory response to the numerous comments they posted to the BLOG. Infuriated, the President has created a new wing under the Department for Homeland Security; The Center for Blog Control(CBC). The Center for Blog Control has been given unprecedented power and far reaching authoretay. Even the FBI has been directed to provide priority support to the CBC, forcing them to relegate their "War on Porn". Tapping into my deep political connections, I have managed to secure an interview with the head of this new organization. Please stay tuned for more details...
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Nobel Nomination for ground breaking theory
"Scientific Validation by Supposition and Assertion"
As you might have already heard, the Nobel Prize committee has announced the nomination of Professor Frank Enstein(PhD) for the Nobel Prize in Theoretical Physics. Professor Enstein is one of the world's most renowned researchers in the field of Theoretical Mathematics and Physics. Personally, the Professor is also a very good friend of mine. Here is what the Professor had to say about his ground breaking theory "Scientific Validation by Supposition and Assertion".
Me: "Hello Professor, how are you doing today?"
Enstein: "I'm doing very well, thank you my friend."
Me: "Professor, could you please explain your new theory in laymen's terms?"
Enstein: "Most definitely! In fact, if it were not for the scientifically challenged minds of this world, I would never have discovered the truth of this theory. If anything, this theory is a tribute to ordinary people everywhere."
Me: "Most intriguing! Please, tell me more."
Enstein: "The basic hypothesis is this: In the absence of corroborating factual information, any scientific theory proposed and asserted by atleast 9% of a population of average individuals, is the truth."
Me: "WOW! That is incredible. This theory could change the world as we know it!"
Enstein: "Indeed! Which is why it is vital that this theory be integrated, as soon as possible, into our education curriculum."
Me: "Yes, but doesn't your theory have to be proved first?"
Enstein: "I am confident that it will be proved. Because, unlike regular scientific theories, this one will be understood and asserted by the non-scientific community first. The scientific community will then just accept the theory."
Me: "Wait, isn't that like the opposite of what usually happens?"
Enstein: "Yes, it is. Like you said, this theory changes everything."
Me: "Wow, this is really deep stuff!"
Enstein: "Yes, the implications are profound indeed."
Me: "What immediate implications do you see Profressor?"
Enstein: "In the short term I expect a quite bit of chaos as the scientific community struggles to come to grips with the ramifications of this theory. But once accepted, this theory will accelerate the progress of science and technology."
Me: "Really? How so?"
Enstein: "Because once accepted, this theory will move our technology into the 100th century. We will witness the birth of warp drives, photon torpedos, slip stream and worm hole technology. It is only a matter of time before we build the flux capacitor and travel through time and alternate dimensions."
Me: "Oh, my GOD! Is there anything that we wouldn't be able to do?"
Enstein: "No, this theory opens up infinite possibilities."
Me: "This is unbelievable! Absolutely incredible! But doesn't this theory go against some basic scientific rules?"
Enstein: "Yes, it does. Which are all explained by the corollary of my theory."
Me: "The what?"
Enstein: "The corollary: If more than 93% of a population of trained scientists believe in a theory, then the premise of that theory is dubious."
Me: "You're kidding right?"
Enstein: "No, I'm very serious indeed."
Me: "Wow! Well then I'm no scientist, but I think I like your theory."
Enstein: "Thank you Raj. You are just beginning to undertand the truth of my theory."
Me: "Yeah! So once your theory is proven, I could find myself on a spaceship to Mars, right?"
Enstein: "Yes, you could."
Me: "Sweet! Well, thank you for your time Professor. You have turned me into a pro-Science guy."
Enstein: "The pleasure was all mine. Thank you."
As you might have already heard, the Nobel Prize committee has announced the nomination of Professor Frank Enstein(PhD) for the Nobel Prize in Theoretical Physics. Professor Enstein is one of the world's most renowned researchers in the field of Theoretical Mathematics and Physics. Personally, the Professor is also a very good friend of mine. Here is what the Professor had to say about his ground breaking theory "Scientific Validation by Supposition and Assertion".
Me: "Hello Professor, how are you doing today?"
Enstein: "I'm doing very well, thank you my friend."
Me: "Professor, could you please explain your new theory in laymen's terms?"
Enstein: "Most definitely! In fact, if it were not for the scientifically challenged minds of this world, I would never have discovered the truth of this theory. If anything, this theory is a tribute to ordinary people everywhere."
Me: "Most intriguing! Please, tell me more."
Enstein: "The basic hypothesis is this: In the absence of corroborating factual information, any scientific theory proposed and asserted by atleast 9% of a population of average individuals, is the truth."
Me: "WOW! That is incredible. This theory could change the world as we know it!"
Enstein: "Indeed! Which is why it is vital that this theory be integrated, as soon as possible, into our education curriculum."
Me: "Yes, but doesn't your theory have to be proved first?"
Enstein: "I am confident that it will be proved. Because, unlike regular scientific theories, this one will be understood and asserted by the non-scientific community first. The scientific community will then just accept the theory."
Me: "Wait, isn't that like the opposite of what usually happens?"
Enstein: "Yes, it is. Like you said, this theory changes everything."
Me: "Wow, this is really deep stuff!"
Enstein: "Yes, the implications are profound indeed."
Me: "What immediate implications do you see Profressor?"
Enstein: "In the short term I expect a quite bit of chaos as the scientific community struggles to come to grips with the ramifications of this theory. But once accepted, this theory will accelerate the progress of science and technology."
Me: "Really? How so?"
Enstein: "Because once accepted, this theory will move our technology into the 100th century. We will witness the birth of warp drives, photon torpedos, slip stream and worm hole technology. It is only a matter of time before we build the flux capacitor and travel through time and alternate dimensions."
Me: "Oh, my GOD! Is there anything that we wouldn't be able to do?"
Enstein: "No, this theory opens up infinite possibilities."
Me: "This is unbelievable! Absolutely incredible! But doesn't this theory go against some basic scientific rules?"
Enstein: "Yes, it does. Which are all explained by the corollary of my theory."
Me: "The what?"
Enstein: "The corollary: If more than 93% of a population of trained scientists believe in a theory, then the premise of that theory is dubious."
Me: "You're kidding right?"
Enstein: "No, I'm very serious indeed."
Me: "Wow! Well then I'm no scientist, but I think I like your theory."
Enstein: "Thank you Raj. You are just beginning to undertand the truth of my theory."
Me: "Yeah! So once your theory is proven, I could find myself on a spaceship to Mars, right?"
Enstein: "Yes, you could."
Me: "Sweet! Well, thank you for your time Professor. You have turned me into a pro-Science guy."
Enstein: "The pleasure was all mine. Thank you."
Saturday, September 24, 2005
In case you were confused
I've always been an active debater, in school and in college. Many, many times I have had friends come up to me shaking their heads saying, "I thought you were someone else. What the hell was that?" Well here's the answer; usually I prefer to debate both sides of a topic. If I can't I debate both sides, I choose the one that I disagree with. I don't know, I guess I always try to see everything from every possible perspective. Personally, it has helped me gain a better understanding of my own opinions and beliefs and of what makes me who I am. Also, one of my pet peeves is that most people don't give a second thought to their beliefs and opinions. So I'm always saying things to make them re-think everything.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Interview with God
It was a few weeks after I published my earth shattering post Conspiracy Un-earthed. I was on top of the world; critics were giving me the "thumbs up". Though some of them used the wrong finger; poor, digit-ally challenged people.
Anyways, I was sitting at home watching TV when there was a knock at my door. Answering the door, my jaw dropped as I came face to face with two incredibly gorgeous women. "May we come in?" they said, rendering me speechless with dazzling smiles. "This is my greatest hallucination ever!" I thought, as I let them in. But then suddenly everything went black or actually... white. I was squinting my eyes, trying to make out where all the light was coming from when a voice rang out, "I am GOD. I would like to talk to you. Choose a form that you would like me to take." I replied, "How about Brooke Burke in a String Bikini?". I'm not exactly sure what happened next, but I think I was struck by lightning and I passed out from the pain. When I came to, I found Brooke Burke standing next to me dressed in a beautiful white dress. I asked,"Wow, so you are GOD?". "Yes, I am", came the reply. I said,"I didn't know that you were a woman". GOD replied," I am NOT a woman. I am a formless, timeless and boundless entity. This form is merely a conduit". I asked,"So what am I doing here?". GOD replied,"Its about the things that you write and talk about me." I replied, "Oh, well... okay. But can we sit down first?". Instantly two chairs materialized and GOD and I sat down. Thus began my interview with GOD.
GOD:"I read your BLOG. It would have been nice if your attempt at humour had actually succeeded."
ME:"Well, thanks anyway. I'm happy that you could take the time to read it. So did I hit the bulls-eye or what?"
GOD:"No, I think the fact that you were deprived of sleep affected your mind."
ME:"Really? So you don't lobotomize people in Heaven?"
GOD:"No, we don't. Once you reach heaven, you attain a state of bliss. Due to this, you transcend human feelings."
ME:"Really? What about all the rules in Heaven?"
GOD:"When you reach Heaven, you attain perfection, in being and in knowledge. Doing the right thing, under any circumstance, becomes your very nature."
ME:"Really? So Heaven is an eternal state of perfect bliss? Right."
GOD:"Yes it is. And let me tell you about Hell. Hell is where you are forced to face all the things that you avoided, ignored or ran away from in life. That is what Hell really is."
ME:"Really? So no decadence or indulgence in Hell? What the hell happened to the Devil?"
GOD:"The Devil only exists in the people who believe in him."
ME:"What? That doesn't even make sense."
GOD:"Enough about Heaven and Hell. Lets talk about you. Why do you always ridicule me? What wrong have I done to you?"
ME:"Well, lets see... you killed my dog Tiger; I loved him so much and he was just a puppy."
GOD:"I understand your anger and I feel your grief. I'm sorry about Tiger, but his time had come."
ME:"What about my Father? He was also too young to die."
GOD:"No, I did not kill your father either. In fact, I AM your father."
ME:"NOOOOOOO! Hey, wait a minute. How are you my father?"
GOD:"I created everything, therefore I am the father of all things, including you."
ME:(mumbling)"Smart ass."
GOD:(Raises her eyebrow)
ME:"So what should I do? Its obvious that you are just side stepping every issue."
GOD:"Look at yourself first and see what you really are. Find a solution to that deep loneliness you feel inside."
ME:"I'm not lonely. I have lots of family and friends."
GOD:"You can't lie to me; I have access to everything, including your deepest, darkest desires."
ME:"What?! Oh! I feel so violated! Wait, you know everything?? Huh. Um.. that thing with my neighbour and... um her sister... its just a harmless fantasy you know."
GOD:"Of course. Its not a sin until you actually do it."
ME:"Really?"
GOD:"No, not really. You will be forced to deal with the consequences of all your impure thoughts as well as actions."
ME:"Oh, crap! Hmm. So how do I get into Heaven? Is there like an interview or test or something?"
GOD:"No, its really simple. All you have to do is realize me."
ME:"You mean that I have to have faith?"
GOD:"No. It is the same whether you believe or dis-believe in me."
ME:"Then what?"
GOD:"You have to experience me and know I exist."
ME:(Shaking my head)"And how do I do that?"
GOD:"I have already given you everything you need. You will know when you are ready. Until then just be"
ME:"Okay sure, I can do that."
GOD:"What? Are you confused?"
ME:"Yes, thoroughly."
GOD:"Good! Well then, if you have no more questions, my work here is done."
ME:"Wait, can I publish this interview?"
GOD:"Sure, everyone will just think you went crazy."
ME:"Actually, they already think that."
GOD:"Thats good. Now, get off my lap, you are drooling all over my robes."
Anyways, I was sitting at home watching TV when there was a knock at my door. Answering the door, my jaw dropped as I came face to face with two incredibly gorgeous women. "May we come in?" they said, rendering me speechless with dazzling smiles. "This is my greatest hallucination ever!" I thought, as I let them in. But then suddenly everything went black or actually... white. I was squinting my eyes, trying to make out where all the light was coming from when a voice rang out, "I am GOD. I would like to talk to you. Choose a form that you would like me to take." I replied, "How about Brooke Burke in a String Bikini?". I'm not exactly sure what happened next, but I think I was struck by lightning and I passed out from the pain. When I came to, I found Brooke Burke standing next to me dressed in a beautiful white dress. I asked,"Wow, so you are GOD?". "Yes, I am", came the reply. I said,"I didn't know that you were a woman". GOD replied," I am NOT a woman. I am a formless, timeless and boundless entity. This form is merely a conduit". I asked,"So what am I doing here?". GOD replied,"Its about the things that you write and talk about me." I replied, "Oh, well... okay. But can we sit down first?". Instantly two chairs materialized and GOD and I sat down. Thus began my interview with GOD.
GOD:"I read your BLOG. It would have been nice if your attempt at humour had actually succeeded."
ME:"Well, thanks anyway. I'm happy that you could take the time to read it. So did I hit the bulls-eye or what?"
GOD:"No, I think the fact that you were deprived of sleep affected your mind."
ME:"Really? So you don't lobotomize people in Heaven?"
GOD:"No, we don't. Once you reach heaven, you attain a state of bliss. Due to this, you transcend human feelings."
ME:"Really? What about all the rules in Heaven?"
GOD:"When you reach Heaven, you attain perfection, in being and in knowledge. Doing the right thing, under any circumstance, becomes your very nature."
ME:"Really? So Heaven is an eternal state of perfect bliss? Right."
GOD:"Yes it is. And let me tell you about Hell. Hell is where you are forced to face all the things that you avoided, ignored or ran away from in life. That is what Hell really is."
ME:"Really? So no decadence or indulgence in Hell? What the hell happened to the Devil?"
GOD:"The Devil only exists in the people who believe in him."
ME:"What? That doesn't even make sense."
GOD:"Enough about Heaven and Hell. Lets talk about you. Why do you always ridicule me? What wrong have I done to you?"
ME:"Well, lets see... you killed my dog Tiger; I loved him so much and he was just a puppy."
GOD:"I understand your anger and I feel your grief. I'm sorry about Tiger, but his time had come."
ME:"What about my Father? He was also too young to die."
GOD:"No, I did not kill your father either. In fact, I AM your father."
ME:"NOOOOOOO! Hey, wait a minute. How are you my father?"
GOD:"I created everything, therefore I am the father of all things, including you."
ME:(mumbling)"Smart ass."
GOD:(Raises her eyebrow)
ME:"So what should I do? Its obvious that you are just side stepping every issue."
GOD:"Look at yourself first and see what you really are. Find a solution to that deep loneliness you feel inside."
ME:"I'm not lonely. I have lots of family and friends."
GOD:"You can't lie to me; I have access to everything, including your deepest, darkest desires."
ME:"What?! Oh! I feel so violated! Wait, you know everything?? Huh. Um.. that thing with my neighbour and... um her sister... its just a harmless fantasy you know."
GOD:"Of course. Its not a sin until you actually do it."
ME:"Really?"
GOD:"No, not really. You will be forced to deal with the consequences of all your impure thoughts as well as actions."
ME:"Oh, crap! Hmm. So how do I get into Heaven? Is there like an interview or test or something?"
GOD:"No, its really simple. All you have to do is realize me."
ME:"You mean that I have to have faith?"
GOD:"No. It is the same whether you believe or dis-believe in me."
ME:"Then what?"
GOD:"You have to experience me and know I exist."
ME:(Shaking my head)"And how do I do that?"
GOD:"I have already given you everything you need. You will know when you are ready. Until then just be"
ME:"Okay sure, I can do that."
GOD:"What? Are you confused?"
ME:"Yes, thoroughly."
GOD:"Good! Well then, if you have no more questions, my work here is done."
ME:"Wait, can I publish this interview?"
GOD:"Sure, everyone will just think you went crazy."
ME:"Actually, they already think that."
GOD:"Thats good. Now, get off my lap, you are drooling all over my robes."
Monday, October 04, 2004
Conspiracy un-earthed...
I have just un-earthed a Devilish conspiracy! GOD's workers are trying to keep us out of HELL! No, I'm serious; this is not a joke people. Just think about it for a second. GOD believes in purity, innocence, kindness, compassion and that sort of crap. The Devil believes in defying everything GOD stands for. The Devil believes in self-gratification, immorality, promiscuity, irresponsibility and decadence. Almost everything that is fun, comes under the Devil's jurisdiction. The LAST thing that the Devil wants to do is help GOD, by putting the fear of HELL in people. If the Devil had the chance to show us the real HELL, it would become an extremely popular destination.
HELL is where
1. Its all about self-indulgence. Orgies, for the rest of eternity, if you so choose.
2. You can get drunk, high or whatever the hell else you want to do.
3. You can spend the rest of eternity just playing video games. Where the HELL do you think the best games came from?
4. You have absolutely no responsibilities whatsoever.
5. You can't die or kill anyone. So after a few hundred years or so of being in HELL, you just learn to get along with everybody else.
6. There are no rules.
7. There are NO rules!!
ON the other hand Heaven is where
1. You have to follow all the rules(You spend the first 300 years memorizing each rule.)
2. You will be selectively lobotomized so that you can't have any violent or impure thoughts.
3. You will be encased into a copy of the same perfect asexual body. You will be altered to have no sexual feelings. Actually, you will be deprived of ALL human feelings; pain, joy, love, fear, etc.
5. You can't do anything even remotely funny, because it might affect someone else's sensibilities.
6. You will have to be the guardian angel for some loser on Earth.
7. You will be surrounded by stuck up, boring, stiff-lipped knuckleheads.
8. Life will be strictly disciplined and pre-determined. As soon as you reach heaven, you will be given your fixed schedule for the rest of eternity.
So, think again my friend, think VERY carefully; where do you really want to go? The choice is yours.
HELL is where
1. Its all about self-indulgence. Orgies, for the rest of eternity, if you so choose.
2. You can get drunk, high or whatever the hell else you want to do.
3. You can spend the rest of eternity just playing video games. Where the HELL do you think the best games came from?
4. You have absolutely no responsibilities whatsoever.
5. You can't die or kill anyone. So after a few hundred years or so of being in HELL, you just learn to get along with everybody else.
6. There are no rules.
7. There are NO rules!!
ON the other hand Heaven is where
1. You have to follow all the rules(You spend the first 300 years memorizing each rule.)
2. You will be selectively lobotomized so that you can't have any violent or impure thoughts.
3. You will be encased into a copy of the same perfect asexual body. You will be altered to have no sexual feelings. Actually, you will be deprived of ALL human feelings; pain, joy, love, fear, etc.
5. You can't do anything even remotely funny, because it might affect someone else's sensibilities.
6. You will have to be the guardian angel for some loser on Earth.
7. You will be surrounded by stuck up, boring, stiff-lipped knuckleheads.
8. Life will be strictly disciplined and pre-determined. As soon as you reach heaven, you will be given your fixed schedule for the rest of eternity.
So, think again my friend, think VERY carefully; where do you really want to go? The choice is yours.
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